Having just started my blog a few weeks ago I had no idea that I would be so close to ending one of the chapters in my horse life. I envisioned chronicling each of my horse stories in random order, Jaima, my first horse, the Arab mare, Shonto, my second horse, my boy, my heart, my soul, Mica, the free horse, Bowie, the attempt to step up to the show pen, Gracie my little AQHA mare, my current love interest! so many lessons learned with each of them; lessons I will share in due time.

But this post, this will touch on what I will be going through the next few weeks with Shonto. Shonto, the big Paint gelding that gave me so much joy and so much heartache. I have had him for 14 of his 18 years. We have been through a lot together, more on each chapter in greater detail later. He gave me confidence and hope and was my first show horse. He packed me around, ignoring what I did not know. I can just imagine how much more it could have been had I had the skills I have now. But I did not, and he never ever minded. The “if onlys” don’t matter in the end do they? If only he was correct in confirmation and not had so many physical issues, if only we had more time, if only I had at least taken him out on the trail more, if only…

The tumor that he had removed from his sheath in June has returned. I had a feeling that was the problem when I had Matt come up for fall maintenance this week. His morning and evening nickers were gone. After a brief examination Matt said that we were done, that I should think about putting him down sooner than later, that I had been a “champ”, that I had kept him going when most people would have put him down. Now I don’t have a choice, I have to let him go. You know how broken my heart is right? I know you do. How do I plan for this? be practical and pragmatic? The reality is that winter has arrived in the mountains of New Mexico, there will be no putting him down and burying him here on the property. The reality of bringing him to Matt’s and having his remains disposed of is so hard to think about.

I will have my own ceremony here at home and in the next few weeks I will focus on him, making him comfortable, fussing over him, getting all my last moments.